Punched in the face jokes! Part I

My apologies to everyone reading this.

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing you haven't already told her twice.

"Professional fighters" have asses kicked

From KPHO CBS 5 in Phoenix, Arizona:

Here's an obvious one: If a braggart goes to a bar touting their fighting skills, someone is going to try to punch them. 25-year-old Nicholas Springer and 26-year-old Brendan Bank apparently decided to run their mouths, even threatening to come back with weapons and kill people. The bouncers didn't take too kindly to that.

Instead, one of the bouncers punched Springer in the face, knocking him out with a single blow. The video shows the bouncer pounding his chest after Springer went down. "He was pretty proud of himself after he did that," Braach said.

Thank Jeebus, there's video evidence:

Punch in the face costs $3,633.93

From Foster's Daily Democrat in New Hampshire:

What's it worth to you to be punched in the face? Conversely, what's it worth to you to punch someone in the face? Apparently the courts of New Hampshire have decided that $3,633.93 is a fair sum.

A Brentwood man was ordered to pay $3,633.93 in restitution for punching another man in the face during a random fight last year...

According to police reports, the fight took place in the victim's front yard when his girlfriend confronted Kulak about being too noisy.

The victim states in the report that after he entered the front yard to find his girlfriend involved in a screaming match, Kulak immediately got into his face and began punching him.

The puncher also pulled the victim's sweater over his head. He must be a hockey player.

Voodoo: When threats, fists aren't enough

From the Palm Beach Post in West Palm Beach, Florida:

It's true love when you really know how to strike fear into your partner's heart. Take, for example, this Haitian couple's dispute, in which the husband accused his wife of infidelity. He punched her in the face and stomach to no avail. Then he chased her with a metal pole, but that one didn't work too well either. He even threatened to shoot her and their children. But what really got to the man's wife were threats of voodoo.

Nerlet Bellot's wife told police she is a "strong believer" in Voodoo and her husband is "more than capable" of casting a Voodoo curse, an arrest report said.

The woman, who is Haitian like her husband, said she was "terrified of that notion and it's consequences."

The woman, who recently moved from Haiti where her husband also has family, told police that threat scared her more than any of the others.

No word on whether either of the couple's children is a voodoo child (slight return).

Penis envy: Man with small member punches Peeping Tom

From Ananova:

Unless you're at a urinal next to Tom Jones or Shaq, there's never a good reason to take a peek at another man's junk in a public bathroom. One New Zealand man did not adhere to that universal truth. The puncher's attorney, a woman, cited "urinal etiquette." Now how would she know?

Edward Aldridge, 47, punched his victim twice after he used the urinal next to him in a pub in Christchurch. Aldridge accused his victim of looking at him, reports Metro.

Apparently the pecker peeker made a smirk after checking out the puncher's twig and berries.

That was totally worth it

From the Charlotte Sun in Florida:
Feb. 14, 2008

Those musta been some fly-ass jeans he was after in that laundry.

Burglary caught on tape

A man was arrested Tuesday after he allegedly took a laundry basket of clothes from his grandmother’s apartment. The incident was documented on a security video.

Deangelo Lamont Carter, 23, of Bradenton, allegedly climbed through a window and took the clothes, valued at $300, from the apartment at 21150 Gertrude Ave., Port Charlotte. The apartment resident recognized her grandson on the security video, a Charlotte County Sheriff’s report said, and she asked the apartment manager to get the clothes back. When he confronted Carter, the report said, Carter punched him in the face.

Carter — whose grandmother said he had asked her to store his clothes for him — was charged with burglary, petty theft and battery. He was held at the Charlotte County Jail without bond.

The grandmother got the clothes back.

Glenn Danzig punched in the face

Here's a classic for you. In the words of Sugar Ray, "Danzig needs a hug."

First-grade teacher an expert in colors, numbers, punches

From the Tyler Morning Telegraph in Texas:

While at a children's basketball game, a first-grade teacher decided she'd do her best impression of Ron Artest by starting a brawl. In a double-whammy of bad luck for the victim, she was trying to leave the "Little Dribbler" basketball tournament because of a kidney stone attack when the puncher, 32-year-old Barbara Jeanette Hughes, cracked her in the left eye.

(Goode) stated that Mrs. Hughes pushed her and said 'Let's take it outside.' Mrs. Goode stated that she put her hands up to keep Hughes out of her face and Mrs. Hughes punched her in the left eye with her fist. She stated that Mrs. Hughes proceeded to hit, scratch and pull her hair.

The puncher's husband was apparently the Reggie Miller of this altercation, attempting to separate the two women. A concession worker heard children scream "Mommy!" during the fisticuffs, making this incident all the more classy.

New meaning to "slobber-knocker"

From the always entertaining New York Post:

A $2 million lawsuit alleges that a New York City EMT punched a restrained patient in the face after the man drooled on him. The puncher was apparently trying to put an oxygen mask on the man when he got some spit on him, which inspired the first-response to his face -- again, for effect, of a restrained man. Here's the story, told as only the Post can:

An FDNY emergency medical technician turned the Hippocratic Oath on its ear, slugging a restrained patient in the face during a ride to Kings County Hospital, a $2 million suit alleges.

Dennis Mathis, 25, was strapped onto a stretcher last Dec. 1 when he incurred the wrath of an EMT by drooling on him, according to the suit.

The "Drool-Fool EMT," as the Post calls him, apparently broke the patient's jaw.

Hold the baby, punch the face

From the AZ Family in Arizona:

Here's a real winner who got into a drunken fight and attacked his father, mother and girlfriend with one hand, all while holding his baby in the other.

When Delia tried to get her baby from Michael because of concerns for the baby’s safety, he punched her in the head and face, and then pushed her away.

If God gave you two arms, may as well use both of 'em, right? Actually, let's remove one of this guy's arms as punishment for being a complete waste of life.

The left hand: It feels like another person

From the BBC:

Disclaimer: No one gets punched in the face in this one. But it is worth noting that left-handers are better fighters, likely because in fights people rarely expect a left hook. Wow, people spend time doing research on fighting? That's a job I need to sign up for.

They said that Western interactive sports such as these can be classed as "special cases of fights - with strict rules, including the "prohibition of killing and intentionally wounding the opponent".

This led them to speculate the same advantage may persist in more aggressive contexts, such as war, so societies which are more violent would have a higher frequency of left-handers.

For the record, Hitler was left-handed.

The article also notes that left-handed people are more likely to have certain diseases. Righties win again!

Now that's love

From WGAL TV In Pennsylvania:

Morris Friend Jr. really loves his mom -- enough to punch a cop in the face for her. His 55-year-old mother was being arrested on a warrant charge in York County, Penn., when he stepped in.

Police said Friend's son, Morris Friend Jr., 36, stepped in and punched an officer in the face. The second officer has minor injuries from struggling with the pair.

With a last name like "Friend," you kind of have to be a dickhead. No word on whether Friend is a big fan of Glenn Danzig's "Mother."

Would you like a fist with that?

From The Day newspaper in New London, Connecticut:

A lunchtime traffic jam at a Connecticut McDonalds occurred when a patron, waiting for her food, decided to block the drive-thru with her vehicle. Funny because McDonald's is usually associated with blockage of the arterial kind.

A man who was stuck behind him didn't take too kindly to that and confronted the passenger of the blocking car, who in turn responded with his fist.

The passenger, Donald Lapre, 59, of 20 Knickerbocker Ave., Bozrah, was arrested after police said he punched the driver of the blocked car a couple times in the face, causing a minor injury.

The man left the scene, but was arrested before he could finish that all-important lunch.

Doctor, doctor: I've got a bad case of punching you

From Great Britain's Scarborough Evening News:

A UK man decided he'd kick off the new year with a botched suicide attempt. The stunt left him in the hospital, where he apparently decided if he couldn't inflict pain on himself, he'd share it with someone else -- a doctor.

Wilson punched Dr Toukalis in the face as he walked by at about 2.30pm on January 3, causing him to collapse.

Police say it was an unexpected discharge that led to the incident.

If you have health problems, avoid 'horseplay'

From the Lewanee Connection in Lewanee County, Michigan:

Put together booze, minors and some good old-fashioned rasslin', and it's inevitable someone's gonna get hurt. For some reason, the Lewanee Connection goes into great detail on every aspect of this party. Must be a small town.

We'll take some liberties on this story, as disaster usually befalls the weird kid, and no one is sure who invited him or how he got there, but he ends up crying after someone steals his inhaler.

According to the report, the boys congregated at the house to party, and after consuming a quantity of alcohol, began wrestling. The horseplay escalated, and one boy punched another in the face and head.

Apparently this classic whuppin' left the punchee with breathing problems, so police called his mommy, who advised he's had health problems recently. The wussy was airlifted to a hospital and released soon after. Come Monday, he'll be met with nothing but shame in the lunch line.